We all know that stress is a fact of everyday life, right? I mean, most people have money issues or relationship issues or job issues. Many suffer with health concerns. And if the news isn’t showing us another terrorist bombing, it’s pointing out how this group is fighting with that group, or how the latest hurricane, flood or fire has decimated this or that area of the world.
So the world is stressful, right?
Well, yes and no. I’m not saying difficult things are not happening for people. But as we become more conscious, we come to discover that stress is a complex response (something I call a “reaction complex”) which begins as a pattern of thought and feeling running through our minds.
In other words, the interpretation of fear – and the feelings of powerlessness and desolation such interpretation gives rise to – can result in what is known as “stress” (hormonal and physiological fight or flight responses). So what I’m saying is that at one level, stress is a subjective choice, not simply “something that happens” outside of our volitional control.
But the key word here is: interpretation. If we are constantly interpreting danger or threat in the world around us, and we fail to discriminate between real threats (requiring actions in the moment) and imagined ones, we can literally die from chronic stress.
Now, I’m not saying that we should be shutting down all empathic responses to difficult things we observe happening around the world. But at some level we have to ask ourselves whether we are hurting ourselves by constantly pushing stress hormones through our systems.
And, in particular, I’m talking about the reactions that we have in everyday life to things happening to us personally, things like:
- Having an argument with a family member
- Having an unexpected car or home repair expense
- Being late for a meeting
- Being overlooked for a promotion
- Getting stuck in slow traffic
- Doing our taxes
We all encounter such chronic aggravations in our everyday lives. Sometimes it even seems that we look for problems to react to. I call this “the stress-seeking mind.” It’s almost as if we’d rather have something to complain about, so our mind casts about for “reasons” for us to feel upset. We all know people like this. But do we recognize the pattern in ourselves?
But today, I want to offer a simple process I call “The Bridge to Now-Here.”
The Bridge to Now-Here doesn’t ask you to interrupt or understand or interpret why you’re having a reaction. All it asks you to do is, once you notice your reaction, simply breathe and let go of needing the moment to be anything other than it is. Let go of expectations. Let go of the need to understand. Let go of the need to change anything. Let go the need to control your thoughts or feelings.
In particular, let go of the prime tendency to try to avoid or escape what you’re thinking and feeling.
Just do this one thing: breathe and be present.
Just had an argument with your spouse? Breathe and be present.
Just got cut off in traffic? Breathe and be present.
Freaked out about a high car repair bill? Breathe and be present.
Just heard coworkers sharing negative gossip about you? Breathe and be present.
Heard some bad news on TV? Breathe and be present.
The essence of being present in the now-here can be summed up in these two words: BE WITH. Breathe and be with whatever is happening in your body. Breathe and be with whatever’s happening in your emotions. Breathe and be with whatever’s happening in your mind. Breathe and be with whatever’s happening in your environment.
To “be with” is to respond as a compassionate friend would. Notice I did not say “sympathetic” friend. A sympathetic friend joins you in your misery. A compassionate friend stands back and witnesses you without judgment, feels what you are feeling, allows (as in, “makes nonjudgmental space for”) it, but is not in agreement or disagreement with any content or data point. To be compassionate is not about buying into another person’s storyline. Nor are you judging the storyline as good or bad. You’re simply seeing it, feeling it, and allowing it.
Now, you might rightly argue that there may be something you need to do to respond to a situation you’re in, and we’re not saying do not act. Obviously, if you’re in danger of any kind, you should take care of that first. if you’re freaking out about paying your taxes, you might need to plan to get them done before the deadline, for example. Generally, I’m not talking about these must-do-something-now situations, though working with your reactivity in any situation is a good practice.
As you practice the Bridge to Now-Here, it will become easier. But don’t expect it to be smooth riding right out of the gate. Remember, your mind is like a galloping horse and if your attention is fixed to it, it will run this way and that way with whatever reaction is flowing through your mind. And you will be “nowhere.”
But gradually, as you learn focus on your breath and just be with whatever is coming up for you, without needing to change or agree with or disagree with or run away, you’ll begin to open into the space between or underneath your thoughts and feelings. And if any of these reactive patterns (to change, avoid, suppress, etc.) arise, just be present to them too!
You’ll open into a larger perspective that contains, but is not determined by, your thoughts and feelings. You’ll be opening to infinity.
So, next time you have a reaction, don’t DO anything. Just breathe and be present.
And only then if you have to do something in response to your situation, do so from a place of ease and clarity.