Do you ever find yourself caught in indecision, doubt, or confusion about what you want or where you’re going? Do you often want something – perhaps to develop a new habit or reach for an important goal – only to find yourself only halfheartedly committed?
This can happen to anyone when we’re unclear about what we are saying YES to, and what we are saying NO to. And it can be particularly debilitating when we find ourselves saying both yes and no at the same time. Let me explain.
Every day, we engage in hundreds of decisions about what to think, what do feel, what to do, how to relate to others, how to take care of our bodies, and so on. When we feel like we are in control of our choices, our YESes tend to be wholehearted and decisive. But when we feel like our choices are not really our own, or that we would rather not be doing or feeling or existing as we currently are, then we become ambivalent (ambi=two, valent=direction), and we cannot really move forward.
One of the big problems is when we say YES when we’d rather be saying NO. This might involve obligations, things that we feel we “have” to do, perhaps based on expectations we feel from other people in our lives. The expectations may come from our family or the culture, attempting to dictate the kind of person we “should” be, and the kinds of choices we should make. We may have a long history of folding our identity and choices into someone else’s idea of who we are, someone else’s agenda or needs.
If this is happening for you, the first thing to do is to get really clear about what you want to say NO to. Because here’s what’s true: if you cannot say no, you cannot really say yes. In other words, if you are not free to reject certain choices and decide your path for yourself, then every choice you do make will be ambivalent. Every choice will be burdened by frustration, doubt, anxiety, and an underlying sense of helplessness. Since you can’t go in two directions at the same time, you will go nowhere.
Getting very clear about your NOs will actually help clear the space for your YESes.
So, I invite you to ask yourself this: where in my life have I been saying YES when I would rather be saying NO? Write a list up, from the most obvious places to some of the more subtle places. For example, do you engage in certain types of activities to “make other people happy”? Are you working at a job that has long lost its meaning for you because you are afraid to face the unknown and make a new choice? Do you hang out with certain people with whom you no longer resonate? Do you do things like watch TV or surf the Internet from more of a default mode, in other words saying YES to such activities but not really being motivated or invested?
You can take this even further by asking yourself, What beliefs and attitudes am I ready to say NO to in my life? We eventually have to approach this deeper level of inquiry, because many of our choices are based on old images of ourselves, acquired in childhood or earlier in life, that are no longer serving us but are still affecting many of our choices. For example, perhaps you’re ready to jettison beliefs around insufficiency – that you’re not smart enough, not talented enough, not knowledgeable enough, not skilled enough, not deserving enough, not “whatever” enough. Such beliefs amount to saying YES to lesser possibilities, and this does not really serve your highest evolution.
Of course, it’s always possible to get caught up in our NOs. we’ve all probably met people like this, who seem to resist every possibility. Like rebels without a cause, their identities are wrapped up in oppositional stances while they lack any true purpose or direction. This is most likely because their personal will was overridden earlier in life, and the only way they know how to preserve their own self-identity is to keep saying no. If you find yourself saying no to too many things, ask yourself whether such choices are serving your authentic growth or are instead keeping you safe and small.
Once you have taken an inventory of your true NOs, shift your attention to what you really want to say YES to. Write up a list of the choices, behaviors, and beliefs/attitudes that you are authentically wanting to give life to. Perhaps it’s a new habit, or creating daily time for self-care and self-reflection, or finally saying yes to a long-held vision, such as writing that book or starting that pet project, pursuing a new job or lifestyle, maybe even moving to a place you’ve always dreamed about.
Notice the places in your life where you are not being wholehearted, and you will find where you are saying both yes and no, and therefore suffering the consequences. Be willing to finally say no to what’s no longer true and no longer working for you, and to say yes to what enlivens and excites you.
Your YESes and your NOs are the very foundation of your self-creation. They are the basis of your innate guidance system – if you’re willing to listen. The result of listening is clarity, and the possibility of living a wholehearted life where you can achieve what you truly desire.