Have you ever been caught in an emotion?
Silly question, I know. Of course we all have. But I’m not talking about simply having an emotion in the moment, like getting snippy with someone or being momentarily saddened by a bit of news.
I’m actually talking about being caught for longer than that, in an emotional state that goes on for a while, perhaps hours, days or weeks. The emotion could be resentment, frustration, shame, hurt, sadness, even disgust or hatred, or any other.
These kinds of emotional states may seem to recede into the background as other activities come to dominate our center of attention, but the moment someone or something scratches beneath the surface, we can feel that emotional wave resurface.
This is what I call being “under the wave.” In this state, we are like a surfer who has become submerged under a large wave and is being tumbled and tossed by it, this way and that. It’s like we cannot “catch our breath” to let in new possibilities for feeling and being. We cannot sense which way is “up.”
In this state we may feel like we’re carrying a burden or weight around. We may find ourselves often being at odds with other people or with the universe. At the extremes, we might feel that “They just don’t get me. They just don’t understand. They just don’t care.” We may find ourselves withdrawing from social contact, judging that we would have nothing to say or nothing to share. Or we may find ourselves becoming brittle and judgmental towards others, perhaps focusing on small faults like how someone looks or dresses.
I know about such states. I’ve lived them, many times. And so have we all, to one degree or another.
Granted, these may seem like some rather at-the-margins examples. But they all start with one or more emotions that we cannot shake. And to the extent that we are defined by those emotions, we are “under the wave.” To that degree we are not free.
Now, let me be clear here: I’m not saying that emotions are the problem. I’m not saying that you should not have emotions or feel emotions. Emotions are a feedback system, telling us what’s working and what’s not. Most often, what is not working can be found in our internal beliefs and models that tell us who we should be, how we should look, how much money we should have, and how successful we should be in our current state. So our emotions are pointing to our faulty expectations and models, inviting us to update them.
Our emotional feedback system may also be telling us about a current relationship, job, or other life condition that needs attention or change. We need to listen to them, as they are part of our guidance system.
So, emotions are not the problem. The problem is being caught up in them, feeling lost under the wave. When this happens, it can be said that our emotions have us, rather than we have our emotions. Simply put, we are no longer at choice as to how to feel or respond. We are for those moments – or hours or days – stuck in a perspective that is partially or sometimes nearly totally colored by the emotional wave.
So, how do we get back on top and become the surfer of the wave?
First, we have to see, feel, and admit the emotions that we’re having. This may seem scary at first, because if we’ve been repressing or denying our emotions in any way, they can seem to take on a life of their own and become bigger than we are. We may have to allow/feel some resistance or fear first, before we are able to feel the underlying emotion (shame is a good example here.) Mindfulness meditation practice can be useful here, because it helps us recognize our emotional states, moment to moment, but not to be identified with or as the emotions.
The second thing we need to do is to accept the emotion that is showing up. To accept does not mean to like, to approve of, or to agree with. It simply means that we are allowing that this feeling we’re having is actually there, and that it’s okay. It’s okay that we let it move through us. It’s okay that we experience it. It’s okay that it’s there in the first place. Specifically, we are refraining from judging or resisting ourselves or the emotion. Because what we resist tends to persist. Traditional or modern versions of the Buddhist lovingkindness meditation can be quite helpful here because it helps us create space for whatever is showing up within us.
The third we think we need to do is to recognize that we are not our emotions. We have emotions, just as we have thoughts and a body. But we are not these things. We are what witnesses and experiences through these things. Journaling practice can be a very useful practice here, because as we write about what we’re feeling, we automatically develop the internal witness perspective that is not defined by any thought or emotion.
Observing our emotions can give us insight into the thoughts and beliefs to which they are connected, thus allowing us to revise our meaning-making system by choosing again what we say is real. As we grow, we must all do this, for the very beliefs that once served to keep us safe are likely to shackle us as we evolve.
The above three practices – mindfulness, lovingkindness, journaling – can help us begin to climb out from drowning under the wave and to get back on top of the wave as a surfer. These may be shorthanded to the following mantra:
I’m having this emotion. (Breathe.) It’s okay that I’m having this emotion. (Breathe.) I am not this emotion. (Breathe.)
As soon as you begin working with yourself in this way, you invite your inner surfer to emerge. Surfers do not attempt to control the emotional wave. They ride upon it, experience it, let it carry them forward, and learn from it.
Now let’s be clear. If you have been drowning in certain emotional states for a long time, it may take some effort at the above practices to start feeling like a surfer. Many long-term emotional states are connected to our childhood years, and to various traumas we have experienced. These may be connected with ways we were taught to think about ourselves or about life that conformed to our family’s or school’s or church’s beliefs, that have long since ceased to feel true or be functional for us, but that we have not yet fully realized or released.
Emotional states continue to recycle through us precisely because a part of our consciousness is seeking resolution. That resolution is connected to experiences where we did not have the safety, love, or acceptance that we needed. So as you practice mindfulness, lovingkindness, and journaling, you may discover such experiences rising again in consciousness, in order to find the resolution they are needing. It’s your job as a sovereign being to listen to these parts of you, give them space to express, to accept and to love them.
Getting on top of the wave does not mean you have it all figured out, or that you feel no more distressing emotions. It simply means you are moving towards conscious co-creation with life, and have stopped being a victim to it. It means you are becoming the space through which your emotions flow, and no longer the emotion or emotional frame itself. The shift may be subtle at first, but you’ll definitely feel the difference.
This is all part of the journey of awakening. When you can see how your emotions operate, you’ll come to appreciate more deeply how such experiences are providing you with the very fuel you need to emerge within a greater ocean of consciousness, love and being. And you’ll see how your personal journey is connected to our collective journey of awakening.
May you discover the resolution that is Who You Are. And may you share and live it ever after.
Namaste.